18 Friday May 2012
Posted in Dad Life, Family, Leadership, Life
If you’re a dad, I heartily recommend you checking out “The P Word” today. The post, “Lighting the Flame” is great!
Watch the video. Read his thoughts on it. Bring a tissue.
I’m still tearing up from that last post!
Tim
16 Wednesday May 2012
I have a friend.
My friend has a high school aged child.
The child is deeply involved in church life. Seems to have a committed spiritual life. Even started a christian group at school.
My friend’s kid is also doing rather horribly academically.
We could talk about how we are supposed to honor God with our work; and school is the work of the teenager. I seem to remember Paul saying something about not working and not eating.
I think we could have a discussion about how doing our best in society (work for adults, school for teens) creates an opportunity for witness. Didn’t Paul make tents, living among the people gaining credibility and opportunity?
I bet we could make some sort of conversation around the idea that God uses the mundane, the every day, the ruts in our lives as points of transformation. Didn’t David spend years after his anointing as King, still playing the part of the shepherd of his daddy’s sheep? Did God use that time to create in him what He needed His would-be-King to be?
All this to say, maybe churches should have a No Pass, No Play Rule. Sure parents can do that too, and we can encourage them in that! Churches could come alongside parents, encouraging their youth to at least pass their classes to be able to engage in special church activities…say…like mission trips, retreats, etc.
I wasn’t a straight A student.
I’ve never been the sharpest tool in the shed. The one thing that kept me engaged in the courses I found so utterly useless and boring was the No Pass, No Play Rule. Can’t churches, in some way, shape, form or fashion, come along side of parents in this?
What do you think? Bad idea? How can churches help out in this area?
Tim
08 Tuesday May 2012
I had known Bob Matthews for more than a couple of years. As I think back, I had probably known him for about five years.
He was one of my Senior Adult men of the church. He was into his 90s, been married well beyond 60 (68?) years, and raised three great daughters. He’s a man that a younger guy could look up to.
We had announced in church that our first born was on his way. I believe we were into our 2nd tri-mester of the pregnancy.
It was before one service, and Bob waved me to the back of the church. I shook his hand, and he put his other hand on my shoulder.
He said, “Pastor, do you want to know the one thing your little baby will need the most?”
I replied, “Absolutely Bob, what is it?”
Bob said, “He’s going to need a Daddy that loves his Mommy.”
No truer words have ever been spoken to me.
Thank you Bob. I miss you. I’m trying me best to follow your advice.
Tell me. Are you giving your kid(s) the one thing that they really need today, dad?
Tim
17 Tuesday Apr 2012
Posted in Dad Life, Family, Leadership, Life
How Could They Push My Buttons?
At times, I think the only difference between a parent with adult children and parents of young children is this: The parents of younger children haven’t dodged the bullets that the parents of adult children have…Yet.
I am so grateful that my kids have grown up in relative safety; knowing that most of that safety is direct divine intervention. I marvel that I made it to adulthood! Without telling embarrassing stories, my brother and should have gotten injured more often than we actually did. There should have been many hospital visits.
I guess what they say is true: God looks out for children and idiots.
On top of it, I live in utter awe of my mother’s ability…NAY, HER VERY POWER OF IRON WILL to not take me out as a teenager.
I was an idiot.
Again, children and idiots…children and idiots.
Which brings me to my thought: How do we keep from killing our children?
Yes, I know. Morbid. But, hang with me for a second.
Ok, maybe we aren’t tempted to kill our kids. But, they do know how to push all the right buttons.
Let’s be honest. Dads are known for blowing their tops more than moms are. Yes, moms can do it too. But, dads are the ones with adrenaline flowing. We are the ones more prone to violence. We are more likely to react violently in anger.
So, how do we keep from abusing our kids when we come to that point of melt down?
We will be tired. They really will be on our very last nerve. And we will yell with Bill Cosby’s Wife, at the top of our lungs; “I’ve Had Enough of This!”
In my household, there are three things that keep me from eating my young.
1. Safety Valve named Spouse!
First, I have a wife. We act as good safety valves for each other. There have been times when I am just about to loose it that she steps in and deals with the kids.
I need to be man enough to let her. I need to be adult enough to recognize my own limitations. I have to care enough for my children, squash my ego instead of squashing my rug-rats.
If you don’t have a spouse, I don’t know what your safety valve can be. Perhaps you can talk with some other single dads and see what is working for them.
2. Accountability Partner
Another thing that keeps me on the straight and narrow is an accountability partner. I meet with another pastor in town, and we talk about stuff we want to be held accountable on. For me, one area of accountability is how I treat my kids.
Just the knowledge that I’m going to have to face Jeff on Thursday mornings has been enough for me to keep my cool.
3. Choose the Opposite
Lastly, I choose to do the opposite.
This is a self-control thing. I made the decision while still at work that I was going to try this on my eldest prince. I intentionally decided that:
BY-GOLLY IT WORKED!
I kid you not. I didn’t have to spank him once that night. The night was sooooo much more pleasurable for all of us in the household.
Look, I don’t know how you can absolutely, 100%, not go nuclear on your kids. But maybe, just maybe, these ideas can help you in some way.
So, how do you keep from killing your kids?
Tim
13 Friday Apr 2012
I understand that stereotypically, guys don’t like to sing.
This is a shame. I’ve found a great way to bond with my kids as infants was to sing with them.
During my Eldest’s earliest days, he would wake up crying around 2am. I would get up, cradle him in my arms, and sing this song to him as we marched around the room. By the time it was over, he would be fast asleep. At times, I miss those moments together.
(Click the name if the player doesn’t show in your mobile device)
04 Wednesday Apr 2012
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It isn’t easy being present.
Sure, you can show up. For what it’s worth, that is half the battle.
But, once you’re there…then what? How are we present within the situation?
Here are some ideas:
These are things I learned while taking part in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education). I’ve been reminded of these three things over the last 9 years in the pastorate.
How many times do we walk into a situation with an agenda?
Almost every time.
We want to see our kids succeed. Wewant to see them throw the perfect spiral, catch the perfect lob, field the perfect ball… you get the idea. We want Our kids to act a certain way, at certain times, under certain circumstances.
But, guess what. They are kids. It doesn’t always work out as planned.
So, if we really want to be present with them; then we leave our agenda at the door. We focus solely upon them. We want to play their game, not get them to play ours. There is a time and place for that; just not all the time.
Aware of my own anxiety…What?!
Yeah, exactly,
I hate to break it to you; but you’re full of it… I mean, Anxiety! It is also known as Worry.
We worry about our kids performance, and all sorts of things.
You know what I’ve found out about my Anxiety? I’m horribly selfish about it. Yes, I want my kids to succeed, but there is an insidious monster underneath. It can raise it’s head at the worse of times. Like, when I’m preaching and my eldest gets away from his handlers; bolting to the platform.
It is terribly embarrassing.
You see, to many times our anxiety concerning our kids has a lot to do with how they make us look.
Does it make us look like poor parents? Does it make us look like pushovers? Does it make us look bad.
Our anxiety is also related to our comfort level. If we feel uncomfortable with a situation, then our anxiety level rises. To often we want to change the situation to make us feel comfortable; include the situation with our children.
We need to let go of that. Our comfort isn’t always what’s most important.
Of course the key is to be aware of our anxiety level. If we aren’t aware of it, then it can control us. All it takes is for us to take a step back from the situation and do a little bit of reflection. It won’t take more than a second. That one moment, stepping back, can keep us from making horrible mistakes.
Lastly, what does it mean to be a Non-Anxious Presence?
Basically, we are talking about being calm in the midst of the storm. When I worked in ER as a chaplain, I many times felt like the eye of a hurricane. Often, I would walk into a sitting area, the families are climbing up the wall. I would introduce myself, and just start listening. I would be still, empathetic, give direct eye contact, every now and then asking a clarifying question.
Be calm.
Be there.
Don’t be distracted.
Things would soon begin to calm down in reaction to my own non-anxious presence.
We have to remember, our kids learn more by what’s “caught” than what’s “taught.” They will do what we do, they will react the way we react, they will be our own little “mini-me.”
We have to exert a little bit of self-control. We choose to act, and not to react. We are the adults. We are the mature ones. We have much more power than our children do.
Let’s act like it.
Would you have anything to add to the list to help us be more present with our families?
Tim
03 Tuesday Apr 2012
Posted in Life
I sit in shadow.
Not much light, just a little bit through a window.
Whatever makes it through the overladen, cloud filled sky.
I sit in shadow.
Perhaps due to my own sadness.
Perhaps in solidarity with my loved one that sits in shadow imputed upon them.
Perhaps because I want to fill it, deep in my bones.
Oppression.
Oppression takes many forms.
Could be emotional.
Could be meteorological
Could spiritual.
It looks like shadow to me.
I have a loved one hurting.
Prayers are always appreciated.
Tim
29 Thursday Mar 2012
Posted in Family, Life, Parenting, Uncategorized
All Dressed Up...
I’ve already noted a few of the different ways that dads can be absent from their children’s lives.
So, how can Dads “Not Be Absent?”
First, I think we need to be intentionally present in the time we have.
We need to take a realistic look at how much time we have with our kids. Then, we plan and execute ways to intentionally spend meaningful time with them.
This is what it looks like for me and my family. We are a dual income family. Both mom and dad work, and the kids go to daycare. On any given night, we only have two hours with out children before it is bed time. Wednesday is abnormal in that, we have less time with our children at home due to church responsibilities.
I have approximately one hour that I can spend with the kids; or not.
My wife will begin dinner about that time; and I can either let them watch the TV; or do something else with them.
To be honest, this is tough. I’m tired. My wife is tired. The kids are tired. We’ve all put in a full day’s worth. The easiest thing to do for all of us is to stick in a kid’s movie.
I admit it. I’ve done it.
However, I have also done other things.
We’ve had hour long wrestling matches and tickle-fests. This begins by my sitting on the floor. Just, sitting there; minding my own business. Within 5 minutes my kids go from whatever they are doing (even watching TV!), to crawling all over me.
Take Away Point: OUR KIDS THIRST FOR DAD’S TOUCH AND ATTENTION!
I can sit on the couch (or floor), and just start reading a kid’s book out loud. Within a heart’s beat; my 19 month old is climbing into my lap. Within 2 heart beats; my 4 year old is trying to squeeze in as well.
With the weather being nice, we can take walks around the neighborhood. For me to walk 2 of our city blocks takes about 20 minutes. There are at least two playgrounds within walking distance; so it is easy to fill up that hour (and even get a little bit of exercise).
I also use the TV to indoctrinate my kids in the wonders of Baylor and Ranger’s Baseball! Our whole family tends to watch these; and it is very common to get some quality snuggle time with the kids during these events. They are more than willing to sit in dad’s lap and watch the game; at least for a while. Remember, a kid’s attention span is minute. It is normal for my 19 month old to climb into my lap multiple times during a televised sporting event.
Again, Take Away Point: OUR KIDS THIRST FOR DAD’S TOUCH AND ATTENTION!
Secondly, we craft meaningful, special moments for our children.
I am horrible about this. I just have to admit it. I fail more than succeed here.
I’m an introvert by nature, and all I want to do on a weekend is crawl into my cave. I’m totally burned out by the week’s worth of people work I take part in. However, I do have some ideas that I would like to share. I even have some intentions for this Spring.
This is where we take some intentionality with our vacation. This is where we plan a weekend around a Ranger’s game with our child. This is a “Daddy Date Night” with our daughters, “Dad Time” with our individual children. We craft these especially for our kids, giving them great memories to pass on.
My own personal plans include taking my oldest son to a Ranger’s game (or two), and multiple Saturday fishing trips. This may include a Summer Zoo trip, and who knows what else.
Our vacations tend to be around family; which I find exhausting. I use these times for my kids to develop great memories of Grandma and Grandpa.
Lastly, we’ve taken the time to form meaningful family rituals. These give a sense of continuity and stability to our children.
Don’t miss the rituals!
This takes two forms for us on a daily basis.
1. We always eat and pray together at our nightly meal.
We have a standardized prayer that we use. It is very easy, and our eldest even joins in on it (every now and then).
2. We always have a nightly bed time routine.
We read one book chosen by a child. We then read (in this case quote from memory) Good Night Moon. We sing to our kids (Mommy/Daddy loves their <name of child>), and we finish it up with another standardized prayer. Again, it is short, it rhymes, and our eldest is to the point of being able to join in.
We. Do. This. Practically. Every. Night.
Make every moment count; for in the end…those moments are very limited.
How do you spend intentional, meaningful time with your kids?
Tim
28 Wednesday Mar 2012
Posted in Ministry, Religion, Uncategorized
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He was speaking at the 300 Leaders Conference in London.
It is long, but totally worth the time spent. It is a little bit of the Northwood Story, combined with Kingdom theology.
Here is a page from his blog of similar events.
Tim
27 Tuesday Mar 2012
Tags
I’ve been thinking a lot about not being an absentee father.
I’m sure you know what that is.
For many reasons, kids grow up without dads interacting meaningfully in their lives. Some reasons are catastrophic. A dad dies, a divorce happens, an accident that irrevocably changes the course of the family’s life. Other times, it’s less obvious, but still harmful. You have dads who’s work keeps them gone for long periods of time. Sure, military comes to mind; but there are other occupations as well. Minor league baseball? What about civil construction. Do you work on a oil rig out in the gulf?
You see, there are plenty of things that keep us separated from our families.
I’ve found the most insidious to be the most innocent looking. Guys that are detached from their kids, while they are right at home. They are glued to the tv, computer, or maybe a game console. They participate in some hobby with every waking hour. The whole time, their kids are longing to just be acknowledged.
Some kids hate football, but not for the reason you think. They never want to play it, because it was the main barrier between them and their father growing up.
So, we see that there are many reasons that a dad might be absent from their families. Some of it is due to the world acting upon them, other things are based upon their own neglect.
The question for me is, what can we do to maximize the time we have?
I’ll be exploring this, in this place.
Tim
